woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
