ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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