I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
