One girl and one boy is just not enough.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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