i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
