I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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