I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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