no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
