He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize