I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
