Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
