So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize