he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
