my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
