Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
