thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
