I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
