eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
