The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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