Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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