please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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