So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
