i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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