Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
