Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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