I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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