Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Randomize
