It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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