Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
