You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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