When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
