Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She even gives head with a lisp.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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