My nipple is on Facebook.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
