Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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