I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
