She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize