i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
