all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize