Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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