Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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