He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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