Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
