last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
