I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize