I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
