last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Randomize
