My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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