You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
