do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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