GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
