Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
