i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
