Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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