What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
