Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
