Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
