I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
