if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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