Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's shark week go big or go home
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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