finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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