She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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