it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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