I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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