I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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