I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
