You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
