1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
